fiona was here
wishing she had a clever tagline

While idly porn-surfing yesterday, I came across this (not safe for work). Apparently, smoking cigarettes now qualifies as fulfillment of a sexual fetish. Women are no longer smokers but nicotine-addicted sluts. Fabulous. I really need to quit.
Tagnorati: smoking, porn, ewww

I got over 200 hits yesterday from Technorati's Karla Homolka tag page. Invariably though, it was linking to the wrong entry (a post titled "feel free to tell me how clever I am," but no-one, of course, has because it makes me seem unspeakably obnoxious) and proved completely useless. In an attempt to remedy this, here are some links relating to the dead-eyed wannabe psychopath:

• Feedster search for "karla homolka"
• Maclean's story about little miss thing being holed up in her apartment
• Bernardo's continued insistence that Karla killed both girls, not him
• Tim Horton's attempts to distance itself from Karla and her cravings
• my previous posts about Karla

Tagnorati: homolka, karlahomolka, technorati, failure

Karla Homolka was let out this afternoon, apparently in a red van. And then she gave an interview with the SRC in Montreal (which you can download a subtitled version of by clicking here). So much for not wanting to be harassed by the media and needing protection from all those rabid journalists.

Anyway, the important thing and what I wanted to promulgate is this:

That's what she looks like now and is planning on residing in Montreal. If you see her, go up and talk to her. Don't be mean. Make a comment about how much the price of coffee has gone up in twelve years. Be polite and civil. Ask her about her day, about whether the media's giving her a hard time. Make sure you use her name. Use it repeatedly. Since we're not allowed to beat the shit out of her, the least we can do is fuck with her head.
Tagnorati: homolka, karlahomolka, stupidbitch

No, I'm not really. It was so easy a chimp could have done it. I'm still proud of myself for thinking to bother with doing it the way I did though. I'm finally getting the hang of these nested templates.

Edited to say:
If you're frustrated by the lack of Karla Homolka in this post, go here instead.

I would have this sorted only I have to do some coding myself. And I don't really know what I'm doing. But that's fine; I'll just feel all the prouder when I figure it out.

Here in Fionica we value the input of others. Because what are other people for other than telling you what they think? I might as well simply talk to myself (which is, as I've noted before, something I try to avoid in public). A friend pointed out to me that in order to comment on my blog you have to register in German. Which seems like a lot to ask of anyone and if I'd realised sooner I would have remedied the problem. But I know now and I made it all better. Well, I'm working on it anyway.

Karla Homolka's kind of scary and I really wouldn't want her living next door to me but if she's got to be let out (and she has to be because a deal is a deal even when we don't want it to be) I think we should give her her own reality show.

I'm thinking half an hour, once a week, because she's not really all that interesting and we don't want to have to expend too much time on her; but with a webcam so we can get up to the minute breaking news, when necessary. Ideally on the CBC becuase they could make it seem classy but more likely on CTV (or perhaps one of the American networks could run with it. I haven't worked out the details yet). The purpose of this is two-fold:

1. it allows us all to keep a fairly close eye on a nasty nasty woman who's going to do Something Unspeakable to someone as soon as she can find someone to lead her around by the nose
2. the positive reinforcement of constant camera time might reduce her desire to do anything Unspeakable for fear of losing the spotlight. This could be exploited with stipulations that cancellation will follow any trouble with the law

We could have her in the palm of our hands. The tiniest mis-step and we nail her ass to the wall.

Tagnorati: homolka, karlahomolka, realitytelevision, behaviourmodification

Everytime I start to get a whole bunch of search engine referrals for the same query, I discover I have mis-spelled something. Like dear sweet Peter's last name. I'm so ashamed of myself; that's not how a devoted admirer conducts herself.

And now some useful links for the rest of you who can't spell either:

• Google Canada search for "Peter MacKay"
• Google news search for "Peter MacKay"
• Peter's official web site
• what Peter said about medical marijuana

Tagnorati: petermackay, spelling

(Click here for the CBC interview with poor sweet Peter.)

Dearest Peter,

You looked pretty rough on the news last night. I know it's tough but you're just going to have to accept that some people are just like that. Some of us, like you and me Pete, get all emotionally involved and invested in other human beings and other people can just pick up and move on when the whim (and prevailing winds) suit them. These people are invariably fascinating and serve a useful purpose in life but you must never ever forget that, for these people, the greater good will always take precedence over thier own happiness (or other people's). I think you should find yourself a nice girl who hasn't got a greater good she feels she has to tend to. Some intelligent kind lovely woman who will muck out the barn when you are in Ottawa. Someone who won't distract you from the task at hand, namely: ridding the Conservative Party of that Blight, Stephen Harper.

Now listen, I know he's not a bad guy really, deep down and I bet he draws the funniest cartoons of Belinda on the back of Hansard during question period. But honestly, he's not helping the party any. Nobody likes him. He's simply not likeable. When he smiles, he looks as though he's having a painful bowel movement. It's just not on, Peter. It's time this country had a decent conservative party again but that can't happen until someone takes control. And there's nobody left but you to smite the rednecks and restore sanity and clarity to political conservatism in Canada.

I believe in you, Peter. You can do this. You've already proven how much better you are than that Blight by refusing to say anything negative about Belinda. All you have to do is lure him out onto Wellington Street and push him in front of one of those Hull buses (they're always going way too fast and won't even notice) and do as much damage as possible without actually killing him or doing any permanent damage (this might prove a little tricky but I know you'll figure something out), then, as deputy leader, you take over. Easy-peasy.

With unfaltering adoration,
fiona

Tagnorati: petermackay, stephenharper, blight, politics, conservatism

Dearest Belinda,

I've always secretly liked you but felt as though I couldn't admit it because my instincts must be wrong. I mean what could be likeable about a woman who would align herself with the Conservative Party of Canada in it's present incarnation? They're like a bunch of crazy rednecks. I have nothing against Stephen Harper personally, I just think he would be a dangerous man to have running this country, even if I weren't so creeped out by those beady eyes and that hair that never ever moves. It isn't that he wants it too much, it's that he seems to think he deserves it because he's a better person morally. As though we were deciding on a new church pastor. And then he had to make a comment about his impression of your intelligence level, because that's how an insecure man deals with a woman who he knows will go much much father than he ever will. And he knows you will, otherwise why would he keep talking about your ambition? It's like he's obsessed.

But when I saw the news today, I knew I had been right and there was something special about you, and that the whole Conservative thing was just a ruse to get a seat in Parliament. And very clever it was too.

So here's to you Belinda and your last minute attempt to save us from Stephen's stupid summer election. I hope the Liberals treat you well and show you the love you deserve and support your dreams of running the country and whatever other crazy notions you have.

Love,
fiona

tagnorati: belindastronach, stephenharper, politics, canada

I'm in love with my new pharmacist. And I have a crush on his wife too.

That is all.

I hate my pharmacy. I have for the longest time. The only reason they got my business in the first place was because they had a lesser dispensing fee than anywhere else. But I don't like them for a myriad of reasons.

• The staff keeps changing so anytime they get to know me, new people suddenly appear who have no idea who I am which bothers me because it makes the world a less stressful place when your presence is intrinsically understood and you don't have to explain who you are all the time.
• They never seem willing to go above and beyond the call of duty until I go in person and make them do so; over-achievement is a quality I embrace in my service professionals and none of them have displayed it since Fenton, my favorite pharmacy assistant ever who deserted me years ago.
• And when the price of one of my medications goes up unexpectely, they don't warn me or even mention it until I query thier seemingly random price fluctuations.
• In order to get a refill on a prescription I have to navigate a horrible electronic touch-tone system that sucks up far too much of my time with it's assine requests for more numbers.
• But the clincher is that the pharmacy is part of Loblaws (who, I'm secretly convinced are evil and going to take over the world but make a fine chocolate chip cookie) which makes me feel guilty for supporting an evil empire (although they aren't evil on a Wal-Mart scale).

So today, I had to go and visit them in person and berate them for not making a greater effort to fill my prescription. It is, they keep telling me, "backordered", as though that absolves them of any responsibility to talk about the matter. After making them phone other pharmacies to find another place that could fill the prescription, I left (a line had started to form behind me).

When I got home I called the little pharmacy down the road and talked to the pharmacist there (who actually answered the phone himself. Physically answered the phone. In this day and age, if you can believe it) and asked him about my medication. He too was fresh out but he very pleasantly told me the full story of my desired drug and what the company was saying and how they kept changing the date for more production and when it might come in and what pharmacy was I using now? He caught me off guard and I told him the truth and felt about three inches tall. And then he asked me my name and I know if I go in tomorrow, he'll remember.

Tagnorati:pharmacies, pharmacy, loblaws, guilt,

Those of you who know me remember me buying myself a car last fall. I did not like the car, at the time, although it has grown on me (like mould). The reason I did not like it was because it was (and still is) a Ford, which as we all know stands for "Fix or repair daily." But Tiffani-Amber (for that is the car's name) seemed like she was different, as though she wouldn't betray my trust by stalling incessantly or having bits of her fall off for no appreciable reason as any other Ford I've been exposed to has done, as though she was a Very Special Member of the Ford Family who had risen above her shoddy parenting in a most admirable way. But then it was all taken from and my trust in Tiff was shattered when her key refused to turn. She wouldn't turn for me even a little, although I coaxed and cajoled and spoke of love... she refused to relent and restore my delicate trust in her, as I sat sobbing quietly in the Ikea parking lot.

She is going to see her doctor this afternoon who will excise the affected part and replace it with a new one. He will use no anasthetic as I want her to suffer for betraying my trust. It'll never be the same between us again; we'll go places we went before and take the same people into our passenger seat but we'll just be going through the actions.

tagnorati: Ford, trust

If I manually ping Technorati, it indexes my tags properly. So I'd like to recant my previous slanderous claims of an imperfectly functioning system which have been proven wrong by all these people looking for "schiavo" who were presented with the correct entry by Technorati. It's even picked up "jackass" and indexed it properly now.
tags des Technorati: technorati, tagging, metatagging, wrong, apologies